Good morning! welcome to another cleaning out the closet. if you are new here, thanks for joining us. we have a cleaning out the closet post every wednesday where we post anonymous and/or public stories that members wish to share with all of us. feel free to write whatever you wish and link to your post or if you'd like to be anonymous, your story is safe with us; simply email it to bloglove (at) aol (dot) com
remember this is a time for support and advice, no negativity. this mornings story is brought to us by the lovely Kelsey from Eat, Drink, Be a Tourist-
I was in a relationship with my ex boyfriend for 2 years. However, I wouldn't necessarily say that we were together for the whole time, but there are very few moments (aside from him being underway or on deployment) that I can remember where we weren't together. We broke up on Thanksgiving, when after certain situations, I could no longer have him living with me. I've been wanting to share about our relationship for awhile, but I have never known how to word it or write about it. I know it will help in the healing process to express my feelings about what I went through these past 2 years.
Our relationship was unhealthy from the beginning. He was cheating on his long distance girlfriend with me. When they broke up, I was excited that we could be together. He decided to get a different girlfriend, who he cheated on with me. When they broke up, we were finally together.
I never thought I minded being the "other woman" because it meant less stress on me. I could do whatever I wanted and not have to worry about fulfilling "girlfriend" duties. But, looking back, I realize how much it took a toll on my self confidence. Always wondering why I wasn't "good enough" or "pretty enough" or whatever to want him to be with me completely. That mentality stuck with me through the remainder of our relationship.
Around this time last year, we had been hanging out for about a year. My ex had gotten into some trouble financially, as a result of getting back into drugs and not going to work at the Navy for fear of failing a drug test. His drug binges were getting out of hand, he had no money, and would even talk about suicide. It got to a point where I had to pick him up at a hotel by the border of Tijuana because he was so strung out he didn't know where he was and couldn't drive.
I took him in, let him live with me, supported him until he could get the drugs out of his system and go back to work. 1 week led to 2, which led to a month, which led to almost 4 months. Four months of me supporting him with what little money I had. We barely got by. The stress caused us both to loose our patience with each other.
One night we were fighting and he pushed me. I fell backwards into the door and sat there crying on the ground. He proceeded to yell in my face, pulling my hair and hitting my head. He pulled me up off the ground, just to push me back down. He hit me again, this time with his knee against my head, then with his fist on my arm. He pushed me out of the way, opened the door and left. I had no idea where he had gone. All I could do was sit there and cry. But I wasn't crying because I was hurting, I was crying because he left, because he walked out the door and I didn't know where he went.
I was trapped in this relationship. Situations like that happened repeatedly, about every week, if not 2 - 3 times a week. Not always to that level, but most of the time it did involve him hitting or pushing me. I lied to my parents about how I got bruises on my arms or legs. I lied to my roommates about why I was crying or what we were fighting about. I lied to myself that everything was going to be okay, that although he did those things to me he still loved me because he told me he did. That his actions were because he was drunk, or coming off drugs, or on drugs, or because I did something wrong; it was never his fault. He would say things like "I've never hit you." or "That was nothing." and "Do you want me to show you how hard I can really hit?" whenever I tried to talk about it or mentioned the fact that he hit me.
When he left in April for deployment I thought I was free. I thought I never had to deal with it again. He assured me it would never happen again; that when he got back, everything would be great. I believed everything he said to me. He told me he didn't want to be in a relationship while he was on deployment because it was too hard. When he got kicked out of the Navy, he told me he needed my help; a place to crash until he found a new job. I agreed and let him stay. He told me he didn't want to be with me, but he loves being around me. I thought I could change his mind, change how he felt. I believed that things between us would finally be like a fairy tale.
Things started getting physical shortly after he was back. The more alcohol he drank, the worse it got. I didn't want to believe it was happening again. I just kept lying to myself, making myself believe that things would get better. Once he got a job, once he was sober, once he loved me again. None of it ever happened.
On Thanksgiving another situation occurred. This time, my roommate saw him grab me and push me. When she said something, he got in her face too. He hit me across the head as I tried to get him to stop yelling at her. That was the final straw. His bags were quickly packed and he was headed to the airport to fly home.
I was consumed by this man for our whole relationship. I lied to my family, my friends and myself about our relationship. I lied to you blog friends, when I told you how wonderful he was. He occupied all of my time. I failed all my classes last semester. My self confidence is at an all time low, my eating habits began to digress, and I started drinking more alcohol. I was a completely different person.
But, I'm starting to get back to who I was before I was in that relationship. Part of me still misses him and I still cry because of everything that happened. In fact, I'm crying now as I write this. I'm working with a therapist to work through my feelings and emotions and learn to put the past behind me and become the strong woman I used to be. The problems I faced in my relationship with him carried affected my relationships with my family and friends, and that is one thing I'm angry with myself about, and am completely and deeply sorry for.
I'm not sharing this story to try to get any pity or attention. I'm simply sharing it for the chance that one person will read it who has gone through this or is going through it now and know that I have gone through an abusive relationship and I share your pain. This is a secret I've kept deep inside of me. I've kept this from my parents, family members and closest friends.
I'm not healed yet, but I'm working on it. I'm working on loving myself. I'm not sure how long it's going to take, but each and every day is one more step in the right direction.
I'm not healed yet, but I'm working on it. I'm working on loving myself. I'm not sure how long it's going to take, but each and every day is one more step in the right direction.
Looking back, I wish I had someone to talk to, but I was too ashamed, too embarrassed that I was letting it happen, that I was still with that guy. Looking back, I wish I was strong enough to end things the very first time it happened.
But I can't change the past; I can only look forward to the future.
Sincerely, thank you! it's not easy to spill your guts but we are here for you and we love you! you are beautiful! please go make a friend if you wish! stay tuned for an anonymous!
Sincerely, thank you! it's not easy to spill your guts but we are here for you and we love you! you are beautiful! please go make a friend if you wish! stay tuned for an anonymous!
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