Hi all. I am doing this post anonymously mainly to protect my Mom from any more pain and suffering. (She follows my blog)
This is going to be hard for me, real hard. I don't EVER talk about my past. It hurts too much. My fiance just very recently pulled the entire story out of me. It effects me sometimes everyday. Maybe the more I can talk about it instead of keeping it closed in the box at the back of my mind, the more I can move on. Okay, here goes.
i was abused. sexually. by my father.
It was not to the degree that some have suffered.
I honestly don't remember my age when it first happened. I just know it was pre-teen/teen. I was scared and afraid to talk about it. So I didn't. Not to anyone, including my mom. It happened a few different times. I will never forget the night I finally blurted it out. It was awful. My mom immediately called our pastor, who was a big part of our lives, and he came right over to the house. My father swore it would never happen again and begged for forgiveness. My mom felt that as a Christian she should give him a chance. He never did it again. My mom regrets her decision so strongly that I could never let her see this. I had zero respect for my father and I didn't want him in the room with me for even just a second. The secret stayed between my father, me, my mom, and our pastor. No one else knew.
Time went on. My junior year of high school was a turn for the worse. I was a cheerleader. Had been since 7th grade. This year, although I didn't know it, changed me forever. The other cheerleaders, my best friends, began to receive some very sexually explicit emails. The content of the emails were so terrible that I can't even repeat them to you. I and one other cheerleader were the only ones not receiving the emails. We were so close that we talked about everything, so every new email was discussed. We didn't tell anyone about these either. We honestly just assumed it was one of the guys from school. Eventually the emails turned scary. They described details of each of their bedrooms, knew their work schedules and threatened to be there when they got off. Now we were truly scared and we told our parents (I told my mom). With their guidance we began filing police reports and our school resource officer promised us he would get to the bottom of it and find the origin of the emails. Weeks later we were all called into the office at school. The officer informed us they had found the person responsible but he would not tell us as a group. He wanted to tell us one at a time. So we began. One went in and came out crying and wouldn't look at the rest of us. Process continued. It was my turn. I went in and they told me that the person writing/sending these horrible emails was my father.
In the next few days everyone knew what had happened. All girls were pressing charges (of course) and well, my other secret had to come out. My father was sentenced to 15 years in prison.
This town that I had grown up in, these people that I had known all my life, now looked at me differently. I knew that anytime anyone looked at me that they were thinking about what had happened. I stopped talking to anyone, stopped being friends with these girls I have known forever, and stopped cheering.
To this day, I hate being in that town for any reason. I hate seeing people from high school. I hate talking to anyone who was a part of my past. I am still positive that when they see me thats what they are thinking.
I have to get past this.
Thank you anonymous for sharing your story. You have our hearts.
Thank you anonymous for sharing your story. You have our hearts.
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