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Anonymous-
Unfortunately, I feel I need to write this anonymously because I don't feel I can put my face on it, yet. I have only shared this with one other person (my mother) and felt it may be beneficial to get it out there and hopefully find out that I am not alone in the feeling. Perhaps, one day, I will get the courage to put this on my blog but for now I will keep it faceless until I settle the guilt and shame.
I recently lost a very close friend to domestic violence which somehow made the loss all the more difficult for me. We met at a very young age and were inseparable for years. However, in our teenage years we both turned to substance for comfort which ultimately tore our friendship apart. I went away determined to get clean and soon realized that the only way I would succeed in this challenge was to disconnect from those who have accompanied me down that dark road, which meant cutting ties with her. I always thought that our friendship would continue once she seeked help, which she did, however, her struggle was much harder than mine and our friendship was set aside for longer than I had hoped.
I remember getting a phone call on my wedding day from her saying she was in town and would like to come by the reception... Of course I agreed, however, I was not feeling well when she arrived. So I basically blew her off to go lay down in my room. I know she was excited about that moment, however brief, because her mom spoke with me about it after her death.
A few years later I had relocated to an area close to her and had often thought of calling her, however, I thought she may not want this since she was working to create a new life for herself. Not long after I received the call that she had been killed. I remember calling her phone hoping she would answer and that it wasn't too late for our friendship to mend, but that was not the case. We buried her 3 weeks later and the hardest thing was going to see her mother after hearing the news.
The part that I am struggling with now (almost 3 years later) is the guilt that I have. I often ask her, late at night, to forgive me for not being there. I never told my husband about the nights I've cried because I don't feel ready to share it with him. The reasons I feel so guilty are because I wasn't there for her when she needed it the most. Because I feel I left her behind to battle something we created together and never gave her the support. I often think if things were different would she still be here, holding her little girl and laughing at the silly aspirations we had? I hate that I didn't take the time to tell her how much I cared, to sit and talk at my wedding, or take time out of my life and call her! I feel guilty for not speaking at her funeral, because I thought I couldn't handle it, and sharing all the stories we had together... Remembering her life and not everything I did wrong in light of her death!
I think the guilt is something I need to struggle with as my personal way of mourning... or is it a personal hell I have created for myself... or a way for me to always feel connected? I wonder if its normal and does it ever stop? I had a dream about her the other night and she asked me to stop crying, but the guilt I have over my decisions make it difficult. I guess my biggest question is how do you overcome it? How do you cope with decisions you regret but can never change?
Sorry that this is so depressing but it is something I have been really struggling with and am seeking anyone who can give me advice or can relate.
Please feel free to leave your comments below with advice and/or support. If you would like to be featured as anonymous for next weeks cleaning out the closet, please email bloglove at aol dot com
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